Episode 26: Trait #6 – Considers How His Actions Will Impact You, Six Traits To Look For In Your Future Husband

Deeply caring for an individual and being open to changing yourself in order to serve him or her to the best of your ability. Ultimately the aim is to serve each other in courting and in marriage. Often times we really know someone cares when they put the effort for you to be a part of their life.Have a green tea lemonade as I discuss one of the traits that your future husband will wholeheartedly serve and allow you to become a part of his life.

Your future husband takes the time  to get to know you in terms of your likes, dislikes and personality.  He will sit down with you and really want to know what you think and why.

The reason why is that as a wise and intelligent woman, your future husband will have a vision. This vision includes his career goals, values, beliefs. Overall there is a goal on where he wants to see himself in an expected time frame. He is on the search to find a woman who can join together and execute this vision side by side. So he will take his time to ensure that the woman he is going to marry aligns with his future.

 As a wise and intelligent woman you will need to know yourself well. The reason I say this because you will need to determine what areas you are willing to let go of in your life. For example if you are a nurse and working long hours, are you willing to give up your career in order to build the vision your future husband has?. 

Your future husband has a vision in expanding his accounting company. He currently has a casual part time job since running a company can be difficult, especially during slow seasons. He will need to have a woman who values entrepreneurship and its sense of freedom it provides, but also endure the struggle that comes along with entrepreneurship. There is a lifestyle that you will also need to have until your business has an extensive amount of profit. 

He will need a wise and intelligent woman who is comfortable in budgeting, postponing in purchasing items she wants or desires in order to keep household bills afloat in order to build the vision.

Overall, he wants to get to know you such as favourite foods, childhood experiences, what you value and enjoy such as serving the community. Most of all, he wants to know, how your values align with his vision.

You become an intricate part of his life

Despite your hectic schedules, as a couple you start to have a synchronized way of being together:

  • see each other a particular amount of time each week.
  • Have a particular space you both enjoy. 
  • Overall you realize that despite family and friends around, you become his main priority in spending time together.

Your future husband is willing to compromise on his desires to ensure you are a part of the process. Ultimately, your health and safety comes first to him. 

I have an example that illustrates this:

My husband purchased cycling bikes for the both us. Now cycling bikes increase in speed way faster than the mountain bikes I am used to riding. We were going down a hill and I remember being nervous and I fell of the bike. Thankfully, I wasn’t badly injured. 

We decided to take a break from bike riding because of my fall. I was willing to attempt riding the bike again in hopes to get the hang of it, especially since I knew bike riding meant a lot to him. But over a few conversations, we decided not to do bike riding and do an activity we both enjoy.

What did this scenario teach me and you can consider when looking for your future husband ?

Even though he has a love for nature and bike riding, he still considered my safety first. He was willing to find an alternative to the solution. If he considered other alternatives such as joining a cycling club or bike riding with a friend it would bother me. But overall, his choice to consider my health and safety before his desires is an optimal trait.

Summary:

During the initial stage of courting your future husband genuinely wants to get to know what your likes and dislikes. The primary goal is to marry you, so he will also during your time together figure out on whether you align with his vision. It’s important that you also know who you are as a wise and intelligent woman. As the courting stages progresses and strengthens, you realize that you become an intricate part of his life. He makes a commitment through actions to ensure you are together. Overall, he takes the time to learn who you are and serve you the best he can and considers your health, safety and overall well being at all times.

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Episode 25: Trait # 5 – Understands Financial Security, Six Traits To Look For In Your Future Husband

As discussed in episode 21, money can make or break a relationship. There is an importance in understanding the financial obligations during the courting stage, but also the marriage.

I will be explain my following quote later in this episode:

“There is importance in living a moderate lifestyle ….even though you may have the funds to purchase an expensive item, still remember your needs and wants”. Joann B Givans

What is the first word that comes to mind when we discuss the word security. Well here is an an illustration of  what security means to me:

Security looks like:

-Three to six months funds in your bank account 

-being able to pay for rent or mortgage 

-able to pay for basic necessities such as clothing, food, and beauty care items 

-Ability to go on vacation 

You may be thinking now, where is the future husband role in financial security?:

For some men their PERSPECTIVE ON LOVE involves being the protector and provider of his home. 

To take on this role of being a financial provider he ensures there is enough funds including family emergency funds.

To determine your future husbands understanding of financial security consider the following:

  • Ensures he works steadily- not consistently job hoping or surfing. He in fact is hardworking and consistent with work. This is important as this demonstrates traits such as loyalty, and able to learn and grow while on the job.
  • He has savings and discusses future plans with a family involved such as having a house
  • He has a license and drives a car – which means he demonstrates growth and independence as well as responsibility during life stages.
  • He has life experiences of resilience

When we think of finances, how often do we consider the SACRIFICE it takes in order to have a particular lifestyle…

  • working more hours means being away from the family but as well long hours can also lead to stress and short and long term health issues
  • EXAMPLE: In Episode 10 , I discussed how I had to improve my acne – really meant lifestyle changes, although I did not have any financial concerns the reality is work life or other stressors can have an impact on your health. Stress causes health issues as well as limited social time with friends and family. 

Sometimes we can get caught up in living like the Jones that we forget what can really make us happy. During courting but primarily during marriage, determine the family goals and what are the wants and needs to maintain joy and love in the relationship.

EXAMPLE: 

Meet the Richards couple. The Richards want to enjoy life and be  able to go on vacation once per year. There goal is to be able to attend excursions such as rock climbing and exercises during the week.

  • There will be things to consider in order to achieve this goal such as:
  • Number of family cars. Possibly having one car for the home rather than two. 
  • Type of Home. There are various types of homes such as detached, semi-detached and townhome. Based on the ice, choosing a home that will allow you to have your excursion, vacation and exercise incorporated in the family budget.
  • Groceries. Nutrition plays a large role in our health. Consider the cost to having fruits and vegetables incorporated in your meals.

How TO BUILD FINANCIAL Security …

-During engagement, but particularly in the early stages of marriage write down your long term and short term goals. 

It is an important task to do because it is an reference point when determining whether an item is worth purchasing. During this time of writing goals, you also want to identify if there are any items you always wanted to purchase or oaths you made to yourself – car, particular career.

It is helpful to have this item you always wanted discussed as a couple. Should you  you purchase the item it does impact your financial goals.

You never know what life events may occur. There is an importance of living a moderate lifestyle even though you may have the funds to purchase the item. During periods of extreme budgeting or having very little funds, items such as pictures, memory stones or low costs places to visit will help you maintain a positive energy and save.

Summary:

Discussion on money is important during the relationship and marriage. Financial security primarily involves the man ensuring his family is protected in the present as well as the future . There are traits that help indicate his ability to provide for his family such as working a steady job. It’s important to realize that whatever lifestyle you choose it does have disadvantages and advantages. It really takes time to plan the lifestyle you want to live and build goals around this. During your budgeting , identify any oaths you made to yourself, and determine whether these item/s can be purchased or you can let go of.  Your future husband wants to build a future family with you but also budgeting and spending wisely are essential to have sufficient amount of savings for the family lineage.

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Episode 24: Trait #4 – Compliments and Strengthens You As A Woman, Six Traits To Look For In Your Future Husband

The term that came to mind when I thought of this episode was “your other half”, I understand it to be as there being a lot of intricate pieces in your future husband that allows the relationship and you to grow and really evolve as a woman. This episode I will be providing my personal examples on how finding my other half compliments me and has helped me embrace aspects of myself such as body image and self esteem.

One trait that your future husband should have and comes naturally is his ability to 

MAKE YOU feel more CONFIDENT in yourself.

The reason why I say more is because….We should all have good self esteem for ourselves. We value ourselves for who we are, but there may be some grey areas in our life that we didn’t know existed or became more apparent during a life situation.

Your future husband through encouragement and compliments helps you heal and gain the confidence you need to move forward in your life journey.

So I have an example of this:

One insecurity I had in the past is My body shape.

I have always had a small frame and my height being 5’7” made it appear, in my opinion to be thinner than the normal size. 

In the Caribbean culture, a woman with curves is praised, and considered desirable. Yes woman of smaller framed is accepted but not as much as a woman with hips.

During casual conversations, questions on how much I eat are sometimes asked. But I do know sometimes it’s for casual fun.

Over a period of time these questions make you think, you are not unique and special in your own way. In addition, questions posed on my appearance rather getting to know about who I am as a person especially during your teen years  can take a toll on you. 

During my courting stage, I became more accepting of myself because of the statements my husband now would state to me. Compliments such as “people would never believe you actually eat more than I do “. Or you me “ beautiful just the way you are” over a period of time really make you comfortable in your skin.

Overall, you find that the insecurities you have, your future husband finds to be unique or something he appreciates about you.

HE IS YOUR MAIN CHEERLEADER….

We all have had a goal and been afraid to achieve it … our fear comes in the way and stops us from growing or achieve our goal. Your future husband to be, helps you overcome your fears.

Overcoming your fears makes you feel vulnerable but he is with you every step of the journey.

He really becomes your main cheerleader and ultimately your best friend 

My husband as been my greatest cheerleader for my journey in podcasting. He purchased my microphone and listened to every episode. Inevitably he believed in me  and my goals – Often times when I felt insecure in the process he called me a leader and helped give me the courage to pursue this podcast journey.

Overall your future husband to be provides you with the support and unconditional love that makes you see yourself  in a new light or way and helps you accomplish your personal goals.

He provides you with resources to the best of his ability to support you.

He stretches you to move towards your goals that we weren’t able to do because of fear and/ or insecurities. 

OPPOSITES ATTRACT 

I truly believe in the saying, opposites attract and I believe that this occurs because individuals admire each other personality traits or ability that they don’t have. When two people are together, although they are opposites, they in fact compliment each other and work well to get the job done. 

For example, you may observe in relationships:

There is one person in the couple that is social and enjoys being around other people. Whereas the other person , is more reserved and considered an introvert. They compliment each other as one and can engage faster with others. During conversations the introvert can provide additional comments without any added pressure because her partner is really the main person that controls the conversation.

You will also find that you compliment each other with strengths and weaknesses.

For example, I have difficulty sorting items in the home and especially in the kitchen and washroom. For items in the kitchen, it just feels overwhelming. As for the items in the washroom,  I have the fear of throwing an item out and then needing it a few months later. Overall, just the idea of living with the minimization concept is something I need to work on. However my husband, he can sort items in physical spaces which really leaves me wondering, how did he find the space to do all this. There is a high chance that a person who is messy may attract a detailed person or organized person. Although there maybe tension in the beginning because you ultimately need to work together to create a good space for the both of you. The most important aspect is that one’s strength allows the other person to overcome their weaknesses through coaching and support.

SUMMARY 

Your future to be husband has many traits, but it is so important he admires you enough to compliment and strengthen you as a woman. Despite your insecurities he will find them as unique traits and compliment you enough where you recover from painful or fearful experiences. You also compliment each other  strengths and weaknesses in various ways . You may be an introvert, but his social personality allows you to be more open, but as well fit in crowds. Overall he is your main cheerleader, whatever your goals may be, he is available to provide the support necessary to strengthen you and make you feel confident in your role.

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Episode 23: Trait #3 – Communicates Well, Six Traits to Look For In Your Future Husband

Communication is both verbal and non verbal forms. Verbal is the words we use to convey a message. Non verbal is the body movements we use that often reinforce what we are saying. The use of our hands such as waving in the air or hands folded while we talk represents how we feel. There may be ‘noises’ that impacts our ability to communicate effectively. Noises are as simple as a loud environment, or even personality clashes and feeling emotionally unwell.

Here is my advice on faciliting good communication in courting and in marriage:

Advice # 1.) More work is done with changing yourself rather than the other person (man you are courting or husband) to communicate better.

Before talking about the matter, it is important to find your emotion you are currently feeling and name it ( such as sad, angry). In addition, find the time to collect your thoughts before talking to the man you are courting or husband.

When you do discuss the matter in a timely manner, this form of sequence helps to have a clear communication line. First, express the issue, Second, state your current feeling. Thirdly, ask a question to have a open dialogue about the issue. It is important to keep a ‘window open’, just in case he requires time to think about the situation and his response.

Overall, what about the potential husband ?…how would he respond to a situation like this?
-He would realize that he hurt or offended you and apologize for doing so
-He provides an explanation to the issue
-He provides a solution to the issue

He does not blame or have anger towards the situation. He simply deals with the presenting issue.

Advice # 2.) For those who are in the courting stage, TALK after discussing the issue.
For the married couple, don’t go to bed ANGRY…

It is natural to have a difference opinion, but once there is a solution , your future husband should enjoy having a conversation.
I truly believe that avoiding a conversation after a difference in opinion leaves tension in the relationship which can lead to other lingering feelings such such as bitterness. If you are courting or married, enjoy a walk, going out for coffee or tea after an argument and find something to laugh about. After all, it is about going through life issues as a journey together.

Advice # 3.) Knowing that there is a difference in expressions in love and feels comfortable expressing it.

For a woman she needs to hear ‘I love you’. It means she is cherished and accepted.
A woman truly appreciates to hear these words which goes along with actions that shows love such as surprise gifts.
For the man, he needs reassurance that you as the woman is worth fighting for.
As a wise and intelligent woman, keep in mind that for some men, they want to guide and protect his family. Furthermore, being unable to have adequate finances can make him question his worth. In low moments of his life such as financial difficulties ACKNOWLEDGING his efforts to care for you means a lot to him. As example of acknowledging his effort is stating ” I appreciate all the work you are doing to ensure we go out on a regular basis”.

Advice # 4.) The ultimate way to avoid issues in your relationship, is if he has an issue with you or vice versa, you both discuss it together first. Don’t let someone else know about how you feel before your partner knows.

By discussing the issue together is a form of respect to each other. It can be ultimately embarrassing if you hear from someone else close to you an issue that you were not aware of. It is important to work through issues together. There may be a time, when there is an ongoing issue in the relationship. As a wise and intelligent woman, you may have a friend that is able to keep a neutral stance on your relationship and issues. When you present an issue to your friend, she will be able to provide you with wisdom on how to handle the situation. You will be able to make a clear decision, that will help strengthen you as a person and/ or the relationship.Ultimately, working together as a team and handling issues together helps you understand your future husband on a deeper level.

SUMMARY

Your future husband ‘s ability to communicate well is optimal. Although, most of the work should be done with you on finding the correct way to communicate to someone during a conversation. During disputes, he ensures that he first discusses it with you and works to find a solution. There are no blaming or displaying of anger when an issue is presented by either one of you in the relationship. After differences in opinions are discussed, you are both willing to talk and enjoy your time together. Demonstrations of love are shown differently based on the type of relationship- courting stage or marriage. Woman appreciate hearing ‘I love you’ and men want to reassurance that the ‘woman he is with is worth fighting for’. Good communication inspires growth in each person and strengthens the relationship as a whole.

What are your thoughts on this episode ? Do you have an interest to provide your feedback on this episode or topics for future episodes ?. Email Joann at joannbgivans@gmail.com or provide a comment in the box below.

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Episode 22: Trait # 2 – Interest to Have A Family, Six Traits To Look For In Your Future Husband

As a woman there may be a keen interest to find a husband to be family oriented. An ideal mate, that helps with household chores, changing diapers, and bottle feeds is ideal. Can there be a way to ensure he meets our wants for a potential husband to be ?.

Advice 1: He says yes … take it on faith

I truly believe in asking the male you are courting on whether he has an interest to have a family. If he responds with yes, then go on faith. If he has been consistent with his actions and behaviour then believe he is interested in having a family in the near future. There is a possibility he says no to having children. At this time, determine whether you can provide encouragement that will allow him to gain the confidence that he will be a good father. Over a period of time, this support will provide him with the confidence needed to be a good father. There is a possibility encouragement may not work and at this time, you will need to determine whether you will continue the relationship, especially if you have a strong desire to have children.

Advice 2: Don’t rush in having a child/ren

Don’t be afraid to take your time to have children. Sadly, in today’s society there is a need to meets personal goals as soon as possible and in a rapid rate. There is a need to demonstrate achievement even though you may not be personally ready for the tasks during a period of time in your life.
Don’t rush the stages of your marriage, due to outside pressure. Wait until you are both ready as a couple to start a family- even two to three years after marriage. When you are potentially ready to have a child as a married couple, have a discussion around budgeting, desired amount of children, and the possibly of the mom being at home (stay at home mother) after having a child. All the decisions you make as a couple, ensure that you both mutually agreed upon and there is no form of influence from others around you.

Advice 3: Enjoy the process of intimacy and becoming pregnant

Often times we get so caught up in planning and meeting goals that we forget to enjoy life precious moments. When it comes to starting the process in having a child, it is easier to just enjoy intimacy. When the time is right, your bundle of joy will arrive. There maybe situations when you will need to plan your intimate moments due to fertility issues. However, it is important to still enjoy your marriage, grow in the relationship and trust that your baby will be a part of your family when the time is right.

What are your thoughts on this episode ?. Do you have an interest to provide your feedback on this episode or topics for future episodes ?. Email Joann at joannbgivans@gmail.com or provide your comment below.

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Episode 21: Trait #1 – Keeping His Word, Six Traits to Look For In Your Future Husband

ETrust is the foundation of all relationships.
Trust takes time to build, as each person becomes vulnerable and shares their experiences to each other. One area of building trust in the relationship is when the male has been consistent with his words and actions.

There will be differences that occurs in every relationship. However, it’s important to stay as a wise and independent woman in order to deal with these differences.

Tips to remember during dialogue and dealing with an issue in a courting relationship or marriage:

  • He may initially think his actions are not offensive.
  • Ensure you do not have unrealistic expectations
  • It takes time for a person to grow and evolve

When there are issues in the relationship on consistency, be mindful that there may be other external stressors that can impact his ability to keep his word. As a wise and intelligent woman, it is important to trust your instincts. For example, there is a difference when a man states that he will call you back and don’t have the opportunity to do so or a man that you are courting says he will call you back but does not intentionally follow through because he does not have an interest to do so.

Finances

Money is one of the top major contributors to arguments amongst couples. During the courting stage be wise on how you both spend your money while on dates. In addition, do not be involved in borrowing, taking funds or signing agreements while in the courting stage. By taking funds you can become vulnerable in having to meet his needs which ultimately compromises your values and beliefs. A male that your are courting may avoid you if he is unable to repay the money he borrowed from you. The courting stage is easier when there is no exchange of money. Budgeting as a couple occurs primarily after marriage.

Natural Dynamics of A Relationship

It is important to take the time to find a mate that meets your emotional needs. A genuine relationship allows you to feel safe and fosters personal growth. It is possible to have a mate who is present and loves you. The independent woman persona lifestyle becomes prominent when the male has been inconsistent actions and words in which leaves the woman feeling unsure on where she stands in the relationship. She possibly has been hurt in the past by a male due to inconsistent behaviour and the independent woman lifestyle ensures she never becomes dissapointed again. She avoids pain by ensuring she has her ‘own’ money and assets. A woman can have the inclination to allow the man to lead and she follows, when the male she is courting or married to is consistent with his actions and words

What are your thoughts on this episode. Do you have an interest to provide your feedback on this episode or topics for future episodes ?. Email Joann at joannbgivans@gmail.com

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This episode is also available on ‘Joann B Givans podcast’, ITunes and Google Play.